Back to Tighza
How did I get here? I brought myself back, 4000 miles back to this place I didn't want to leave. If I’m honest, it leaves me dumbfounded. I mean, I used the expression "leap of faith" how many times in conversation, maybe (definitely) only half believing myself and in the courage I spoke so familiarly about. But, here I am, watching "House Big", an Amazigh tv show with Isma's brother Baba Hamd, his wife Emlaide who we affectionately call Lala, his son Abd Sadek, daughters Fatima and Hassna, and Abd Sadek's pregnant wife Kaltoum. Giggling so hard about Lala explaining that Fatima is like a small “da fornest” (cow) because Bizzou (their family name) means baby cow in Techelhait, the Amazigh language. For some reason it tickled me to no end. English+Arabic+French+Techelhait studies with Isma and Fatima, but with everyone else chiming in, it's just delightful. We're all bundled under blankets together. It's the sweetest thing. I'm so happy to be here, it's like Lisa said, I truly had absolutely nothing to lose, and everything and more to gain. Plain pearled couscous for dinner, it's so cute how everyone circles in together, it's so intimate.
It's such an interesting and complex time and space I’ve created for myself in the sense that it's such a vastly different culture but as per usual the past month I'm just trying to soak in every moment, to see the beautiful, the quiet moments to take in the view, feel the sun, reflect on how and why I got here, and probably most importantly just be, without thinking or feeling a thing, because in that space is where I really think and feel.
I climbed a big hill, maybe you could call it a mountain (DEFINITELY a mountain my legs say several days later, OOF) with Isma and his nephew and it was tough. I thought going up was bad but coming down was infinitely worse. The women think I'm crazy, but Isma was proud I hung in there with the boys. There was a couple moments where I was uncomfortable, unsure of myself and even afraid (SO glad I didn't look down on the way up, would have NEVER made it) but I find myself, in my practice of mindfulness, finding opportunities for lessons constantly. Breathe, take your time, you have nothing to prove, don't forget to look up, broaden your horizon, remember that by allowing yourself to be vulnerable you are opening doors for intimacy and connection. I could go on. The view from the top was spectacular, so majestic, and I was just so happy to be there. I remembered the way I felt before on the WholeFoods trip, climbing the hills even leisurely activated such different muscles than I was accustomed to and meandering the "neighborhoods" and fields left me feeling so alive. That was intensified deja vu today literally scaling a mountain, watching a hawk soar, sitting on the edge drinking in the view. While I'm curious to see how it will all pan out, it’s so refreshing to not care at all, to not think "what will happen?" I know it will come but for now I'm just here, sharing in his world, which he is so gracious to let me into, and I am so humbled by his family's generosity as well as I write this from Hassna's bed.
I try to make myself useful when I can, helping the guys build something out of bamboo this morning while some little boys watched with curiosity. Went to take Hassna her 2nd breakfast at the river with Lala (Issmail's sister in law, Hassna's mother) and lent a tiny hand with the washing of clothes. She is a tough hard working broad, they all are, but Hassna is carving out a deeply special place in my heart. She is by far the least bubbly and girly, but so sweet. I hope she also feels the warmth in the companionship we are slowly cultivating.
I am fearful that they think I am lazy or just here to observe but it's only half true. I think I may also be here to explore and entertain this way of life. How the old me and this potential for a new me could harmoniously fit together here. Of course I truly have no idea, this could be but a brief chapter and not realistically sustainable and that's ok too. Not knowing is beautiful as is trusting whole-heartedly that time will tell.
His cousin's house next door is so cute! Simple: a garden, a terrace, it's exactly what he wants. I think it may be what I want too. That's the kind of crazy amazing part, that I think I could do this. Well I know I could, but is it what's written? Time will tell, but I really do adore him. And his family. Hassna especially, but totally all of them. Abd Sadek's wife Kaltoum has grown on me so much, she has an interesting perspective being married into the Bizzous and I don't think she misses a beat. Her instinctual woman meter for any and everything one may be trying to be discreet about is spot on I think, but she's cool about it. This is a trip. Of course there are moments where I've fumbled, but my hope is that there are at least as many times where I've managed to show my appreciation, respect, and a small contribution when possible. They were tickled by me carrying the laundry up from the river earlier, Lala was yelling at me to stop! stop! in Techelhait of course, but I hollered back "yala yala!! Let's go!” And they just fell into a fit of laughter, it was so cute.